Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Help me help you


Let me be clear: The questions that I've been getting so far do not really speak to my strengths. I am a star maker and stars are not made from stale, aging dough. They are made from 22 year-old-super-human-shaped-diamond-encrusted-wonder fuckers! If you're over 26, barely a 7 and your bottom teeth are kind of crooked - I'm not your guy. You could maybe get work in Canada or some other cruise ship-level-of-entertainment nation, but this is America pal.

I want to hear from Rachel Bilson because she's been chained to a radiator in Peter Jackson's pool house for 3 months and needs to know the six-tiered secret sex code that will grant her access to freedom and a reading for The Hobbit. Here, I can help.

I want to hear from Dakota Fanning on her quest for a homeopathic serum that will pack the necessary years onto her youthful facade so as to allow her the lead in the upcoming Sandra Day O'Connor biopic, Her Honor. Here, again, I can help.

I understand that my offer has been made fairly recently and that the industry might not yet fully realize that I am an available resource. I seriously doubt that anyone assumes that they can simply ask for my sparkle and then actually receive my sparkle! But it's true - so get the word out!

In the mean time, I suppose that I will have to work with what I'm given, which brings us to our next letter sent in from some common boob.

Dear MJ’s Glove,

I’m working on the roof of my house and my hands are aching. What gloves would you recommend for roof repair? There is a huge blister on the inside of my thumb from using a hammer all day. Also, are you supposed to pop blisters?

-Achin’ in Macon

OK Achin'...I can only help here because I have some cousins who toil in the trades. Macon sounds like it must exist somewhere in the south, so let's just assume that you're finally patching the hole that you shot in the roof of your decommissioned school bus/house because you were pissed that your 36 year-old girlfriend's 23 year-old son stole your weed.

To be sure, yours is a swampy climate, no? You're going to want a glove that breathes. Your best bet is a pair of Bionic Gloves, ( but I'm guessing that the $37.50 price tag places them slightly out of reach, so...Seriously? I have no idea how to talk to you.

Blisters are a peasant's plague. By all means pop them. I think I remember reading that blister puss is like a condiment for you people.

I hope I've helped.



1 comment:

sabrina said...

Are you really done blogging?
Your posts are/were hilarious!