Monday, March 24, 2008


Wow! All of us here at Michael Jackson's Glove are completely overwhelmed by the four of responses that we've received so far. It hasn't even been a full day and already it appears that nearly five people have read this thing. If this is any indication of the mountains upon mountains of servile flattery I can expect, then the future is indeed bright. In fact, I've already hired two assistants and a ghost writer.

Our first question comes from a lonely bachelor all the way from the lonely bachelor capital of the universe, Austin, TX:

Dear Glove,

I’m a lonely 38 year old man who is balding, and slightly obese. It’s been 4 years since I’ve had the company of a female. I feel like my only chance of getting a girl at this point is to become famous. Since you’ve helped MJ come from obscurity, I need your help. What can I be famous for? I’m not very good at sports, and I can’t play music. Please help.

-Out of Ideas in Austin

Dear Out of Ideas,

Since you're 38, balding, live with your mother, smell like ham, are fat and have a myspace page full of lies, I think one can safely assume that you are a Circuit City employee - in which case, I have the same singular piece of advice for you that I gave your co-worker who called to ask if I wished to extend my premium warranty: You should kill everybody that you work with.

Seriously - on top of the $1200 I laid out for an Onkyo receiver and a sweet set of JBL Surrounds, you con me out of $150 for a guarantee that I will never have to live a day without my premium sound system, but, four months later, when my receiver gets struck by lightning - only then am I told that Circuit City is entitled to three attempts and an unlimited amount of time with which they are allowed to repair my receiver before they are required to offer a replacement. In the six music-free months of near silence that followed, I felt my insides crumble as the reality of what a sucker I am took root and spread through my guts like kudzu.

Then, at the end of our two-year contract, you call to to see if I want to extend the deal for an additional two years for another $150? Fuck that Circuit City! Seriously, you and your corporate trickery are what's killing America. Personally, I can't wait until your storefronts are boarded up or converted into a chain of Mexican grocery stores because has put your miserable asses out of business.

So thanks Out of Ideas. Thanks for killing America.




No comments: