Monday, March 31, 2008

Choosing to be chosen

Today's question might read a little more like an after-school special than what you're used to seeing here at The Glove because it touches on some very tough issues that face many Americans today. I won't say much else about it except to point out that that the very fact that I'm willing to take on such a delicate issue demonstrates what a brave, macho hero I've become.

Dear MJG,

Both of my parents are Jewish, yet I can't seem to break six figures. WTF?

Meyer Lemon


Dear Dr. Lemon, Esq.,

First, I want to commend you for mustering the guts to ask the question that must have been haunting you your entire adult life. It's never easy to acknowledge our shortcomings and it's even harder to ask for help.

As Michael Jackson's Glove, I can honestly say - that apart from Michael himself (Jehovah's Witness of all things!) - every single other person that we worked with was Jewish and you'd better believe that they were all clearing $100k!

Honestly, I find your question to be one of the more puzzling queries I've ever been faced with. My first thought is this, and it might sting a bit: You're adopted. Did you grow up with an "Aunt Becky" who's about 15 years older than you - not really your aunt, but a girl who lived up the street - visited a ton and cried every time she left? If so, then you need to stop reading this right now and go have a heart-to-heart with your "parents".

My second theory - and this is where things get a little dicier: Maybe - just maybe - if you want to make loads of dough, it's just not enough to simply be Jewish anymore. If the world is truly flat now, then you might need a little something extra to give you that edge. My suggestion? Marry Asian. Because Jew + Asian = $$$! You may be a doctor now, but it sounds like you're probably working at some inner-city clinic trying to make a difference. News flash: You aren't and you can't! Marry Asian, and suddenly you're Dr. Rosen-Chang: the dermatologist with a three day work week and a nine-month waiting list! If you marry Asian, your kids will be shrewd little un-fucking-stoppable nano-bots! By the time they're nine, they'll have cured cancer or invented the new Google or developed an additive for toothpaste that will render flossing totally unnecessary.

Any way you look at it, your Jewsian future is sounding pretty fucking sweet. Take my advice and the only problem you'll have is finding a vault big enough to hoard all your happiness!




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